I try very hard
to understand
why you feel the need
to hurt me.
As you have in your past liasons,
and ingratuitous remarks
so thoughtlessly placed
upon your forked tongue,
for me to taste instead,
when I close my eyes in love
and move to kiss you.
I try very hard to understand
why you feel the need to hurt me
to reject me
as you have in your present liasons,
and in crooking your finger at my loveblind heart
…”come here now, girl”
I come running to you
only to find you have gone away.
Feeling the tears that flow from my heart
filling, spilling down my worthless cheek,
yet again.
And I try very hard, to understand
why each tear seems
more painful
than the last
and why i seem angry
when what I really feel,
is pain.
I try very hard to understand
why you feel the need
to hurt me, to reject me
to deem me of such little worth…
as you have in your past, your present,
and will in your future liasons
and in the ways you show me,
in a hundred ways, I think, at least,
how you do not
can not
will not
love me.
What else can I believe,
when you have taught me well
and thoroughly,
with your never-ending lies
and continuing criticisms
that sharply bite the tiny hand
of the little girl
that lives
inside me?
The little girl inside
who waits in anxious anticipation
to see you,
to please you,
only to fail, time and time again.
Ever hungry, often starving
for the tender touch,
the deep-heart love
you refuse
to share.
Crawling back through the tunnel
that is dark with despair
and wet with hopelessness,
the smell of death and dying
growing silently, steadily,
within the confines of her space,
she recoils, bowing her head in shame,
remembering much too clearly
how unworthy she is
of even the most common of courtesies
and the smallest crumbs of love.
Not worth a phonecall
when you change your mind
having found something or someone
much better to do instead.
Leaving her forever hanging
on threads of hurt
in that dark, lonely place.
Not worth bringing out
into the sunshine,
to play for a little while.
Not worth a card for her birthday
Not worth your honesty,
Not worth much effort at all.
Not worth anything at all
to you,
and inevitably,
to her.
I try very hard to understand
why you feel the need
to keep her
and hurt her
and reject her
and abandon her,
to her past, her present, her future
all alone and loving you, believing
every action of yours
that dismisses her,
and every cruel word you speak,
that belittles her
is true.
Perhaps, the reason why
is that it all
really belongs
to you.
